written Tuesday…

The full moon was last night and it was unbelievably beautiful. As I drove home, I kept chasing it, searching for it in the dark on the highway. When the bend in the highway concealed it behind the trees, from my sight, I found myself wishing the road winded after it, not away from it. A haze of wispy clouds couldn’t conceal it’s brightness last night. It made it glow all the more, every cloud nearby shimmering with its light. If the trees and hills had been snowy, evening would have been as bright as day with this January wolf moon.

With such beauty to feast on, there’s always an urge in me to share it with someone, especially my husband. I think I frightened him last week, when I called his cell during my commute home from work. “I just had to call you,” I told him, as I pulled off the highway, “Because the sunset is beautiful and I wanted to share it with you.”

It was beautiful – oranges and pinks all over the clouded skyline. And so was the moon, all evening and again in the morning at work. Beautiful, ghostly white as it rose last night and pale pink as the dawning sky this morning as it fled from the sun. I shared it with my husband when I saw him at the station and I had to point it out to my co-workers this morning, just before it dipped behind the hills for the day. Silly, in a way, because it’s just a moon. But it was so pretty, so perfect and it was a shame to ignore and miss it.

All this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise
(“All this Beauty” by the Weepies)

So. Let’s go star-gazing and moon chasing, sunset-looking and sunrise-discovering. More beauty. It’s a gift waiting for us. We just have to look to see it.

(photo stolen shamelessly from my mom – apparently she was looking at it through the lense of her camera just as I was looking at it through the window at work!)

I enjoy writing them and receiving them from loved ones, and I enjoy reading letters by people I don’t even know, especially if they are telling a story. A few favorites come quickly to mind:

I Love You, Ronnie – Ronald Reagan

Whether or not you’re a huge fan of Ronald Reagan, this memoir is an adorable collection of letters written by Ronald Reagan to his wife, Nancy. It’s a poignant glimpse into the love life of this famous couple before and during their years in the White House. This book inspires me to continue writing love notes to my man.

84 Charing Cross Road - Helene Hanff

An unusual friendship begins with the correspondence between an American and the staff of a British bookshop on Charing Cross Road in England. Set post-WWII, it’s a fascinating glimpse into the lives of the correspondents and the culture of the time. You come to care for the characters just as they come to care for each other. It has a rather bittersweet flavor to it, however; best consumed with a cup of tea.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society – Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

A sweet and satisfying story told in letters exchanged between Juliet Ashton and the inhabitants of the small island of Guernsey. Also post-WWII, set in the UK. Romance. Intrigue. And a glimpse of an island held captive by the Germans during WWII. Love this book.

Anne of Windy Poplars – L.M. Montgomery

While the story isn’t told entirely in letter format, a good portion of it consists of letters written by Anne to her fiance, Gilbert, during the couple years of teaching before their marriage. While you can definitely tell that it was one of Montgomery’s later works in the Anne series, she’s still quite, witty and charming. I would love to have Anne’s knack for letter-writing.

What are your favorite books told in letter-format?

According to this site, this week – January 8-14 – is “Write a Letter Week.” Thanks, Honey & Cheese for the reminder!

What a coincidence, then, that after working on it for about 3 weeks, I finally finished a letter to a friend and got it out in the mail! I think perhaps I should take a leaf out of the calendar and have it motivate me to write more letters and notes to friends. Because, after all, there is nothing more cheery than finding a friendly epistle in the mailbox amongst all the boring, mundane bills and junk mail.

I have a few posts lined up reviewing books in letter format, whether real correspondence or fictional, but in the meantime, I’m going to sign off and write a few notes and get them out in the mail to friends. :) Pretty paper and fun stamps, a good pen and I’m on my way.

When was the last time you wrote or received a letter?

I’m inclined to pick up Rilla of Ingleside for a re-read. I think it would feel more and poignant after just one episode of Downton. I’m suddenly scared for their boys who are going to the front. Wow.

Are you hooked on Downton Abbey, too?

(No spoilers. Please.)

You see, this friend and I had once agreed on a few things, but very important things, at least in her book. As young teens, we thought it was a better, more godly thing for unmarried adult daughters to be stay-at-home daughters until married. Live at home. Serve their families. Honor their parents. Obey their fathers’ wishes. Stay in the hierarchy of patriarchy. This meant working outside the home was far less than ideal because by working outside the home, you were under the authority of someone who was not your father or husband.

You’ll notice the key word in the first sentence in the above paragraph. I *had* agreed with her on all this as a teenager, but when I bumped into her grandmother that day, I no longer did – as clearly evidenced by my full-time job at a local business and studies online through a local community college. I’m sure her grandmother noticed this as we chatted and got caught up on family news while sitting in the waiting room. I’m sure she must have said something to her daughter or granddaughter later, whether meant negatively or positively on her part, I’m not sure. I honestly don’t know what her opinion on women’s roles within and without the home were.

In any case, I highly doubt it was a coincidence that a few weeks later I received a parcel in the mail from this friend. No note, no letter, but there was a hard-cover copy of a book. A book I’d already read and was familiar with, having grown up in the conservative Christian home-school movement.

So Much More by Anna-Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin.

It’s probably one of Vision Forum’s best sellers and it’s earned itself a spot on my ‘disagree-with-but-keep-for-reference-only’ shelf, for many reasons. I’m not going to go into them today, but this excellent blog post explains most of the problems I have with it.

And so, the idea that when a woman works for someone else – whether male or female, Christian or non – outside of her family home is a sin, well, it’s so familiar to me, it doesn’t shock me like it would the average person. Even still, it makes me shake my head today because it is so ridiculous. I can’t believe that I drank that one as a teenager and thought it was Biblically accurate – and yet I can. I wish I hadn’t because even today I find myself sorting through ideas and thoughts that I’d discarded years ago.

Today, I’m married and working outside the home. My husband has no problem with it. I have no problem with it. The money I’m earning today is helping provide for us as we build our future home. Basically, by working outside the home, I’m being exactly what most Christians think wives should be: a help-meet. We’re a team, my husband and I. We have a combined end goal in sight: establishing our own family in our own home. A house that my husband is building. I’m not able to help out with the physical work at the moment, but I *am* able to help by earning a paycheck. I have to remind myself of this occasionally because some days I find it hard to fight the thoughts that were normal to me as a teenager.

As my co-workers and I struggle through a stressful transition in our department due to new management, I’ve found it hard to deal with the stress without wondering, “Why am I doing this to myself?” I found myself comparing my stress to the stress of many young mothers I know and feeling as though the stage of life I’m in is worthless compared to the stage of life that they are in. They’re moms; they are raising children, they are going through a stressful period of life that is worth it because children are always worth it.

Me? I’m stressed because of 12 hour work days that require loads of collection phone calls on top of my regular work.

So not as important as what my friends are doing right now in the mothering stage of life. Or is it? Isn’t every moment worth it? Isn’t every moment I work so that my husband doesn’t have to stress as much about working full-time, building the house and supporting me worth it? Is it not worth it that I’m doing the best I can right now for our family, for our situation in life right now?

What I’m doing right now is important because it’s where I’m meant to be right now. I don’t care what the Botkin sisters say. I don’t care what my old friend probably thinks – that I’m bordering on ungodly with my attitude and actions – because she doesn’t know what God’s will is for me today or tomorrow.

Today? I’m a working wife. And it is worth it because that’s what God’s called me to be right now. And that’s enough.

But it’s winter. Mild for New England, but winter just the same and June is months away.

For now, a bouquet of roses from Aldi’s is enough.

PROVERBS THIRTY-ONE: TWENTY-FIVE

(Why hello, 2012.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any aside from “Attempt to not go insane while planning a wedding.” This year? I have some goals to shoot for, but no resolutions persay. I want to be a better person and grow in so many ways, which include writing more, exercising more, laughing more and learning more. Oh – and I’d love to work in the office just a little bit less. The 45-50 hour work weeks plus commuting is starting to get OLD.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?
Several friends had babies and a certain someone close to me is currently pregnant! Hee, so excited!

4. Did anyone close to you get married?
Ahem. Yes. 2011 was a year for weddings in the family! Aside from our wedding, there were two others: my younger brother got married in February and my husband’s sister got married in August.

5. Did anyone close to you die?
No, and that’s a relief.

6. Travel?
Aside from honeymooning within our own state, not much traveling. Maybe 2012 will have some travels in it!

7. Did you move anywhere?
Yes. 45 minutes from the town where I grew up, into a little apartment, cozy for two.

8. What was the best month?
May, because it began our married life together.

9. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
There’s not much that we lack that I want now that we’re married. I would like to see my husband find steady GOOD work and I would love to see continued progress on the house.

10. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 1st: our wedding day. October 29th: we got over 2 feet of surprise snow!

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Um…adjusting to married life? I had some good work achievements that I’m pretty happy about as well.

12. What was your biggest failure?
Well, I have yet to have a major cooking fail. Overall, in the grand scheme of things, my biggest failure was focusing on little things instead of trying to see the bigger picture; that is, realizing that in the end, a lot of little things won’t matter so much. And that sometimes you just have to love people and that’s all you can do.

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from minor colds and the usual allergies, I’ve been blessed with great health.

14. What was the best thing you bought?
Heh, wedding rings? Oh, I know! The WELL for the house we’re building!

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My hubby for his commitment to the fire/emergency service and for his patience with an emotional wife who found adjusting to married life a little challenging at times. My co-workers for pushing on through major changes in our department at work and surviving with a sense of humor. Family [both his and mine!] for making it through not just one, but THREE family weddings within 9 months.

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
Eh, I don’t want to revisit depressing issues. MOVING ON!

17. Where did most of your money go?
A wedding, furnishing the apartment and putting in the well!

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
GETTING MARRIED BOOYEAH.

19. What song will always remind you of 2011?
God Gave Me You

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier!
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Financially, poorer, but because we’ve invested a good chunk of change in the house. Richer in life and love.

21. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More reading, everything: God’s Word and more. More writing: letters, blogging and journaling. And I wish I’d spent more time outside.

22. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d worried less, over-thought things less. I wish I’d eaten less sugar, too.

23. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve/Day?
We’re supposed to spend it with my family, so hopefully we can kick these head colds!

24. What was an unexpected surprise?
I did not expect to receive news that I’m going to become an aunt in summer 2012.

25. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Well, I’ve fallen in love with him more every day. So yes.

26. What was the best concert you’ve been to this year?
Childsplay.

27. What was your favorite TV program?
We’ve gotten hooked on The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother.

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?
No one comes to mind, but Flo the Progressive Insurance Girl irritates me.

29. What was the best book you read?
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. All I can say is: intense, but wow.

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hm. Adele. Band Perry. What can I say, I’m slow on trends these days.

31. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get married and we did.

32. What did you want and not get?
I’m pretty contented over all.

33. What was your favorite film of this year?
“The Help.” Best movie this year, definitely.

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked, spent time with hubby and went to Torah study. Not much excitement, I know, but that’s okay – we celebrated by going out to dinner later that weekend. And I turned 26. eep!

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having the whole family closer to home.

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
A little quirky, a lot of classy and a little trendy. Loving dresses and skirts and I’m digging the whole layering thing.

37. What kept you sane?
God. Tyson. My sister and a few close friends.

38. What political issue stirred you the most?
Votes for women! Just kidding. I’m not much one for politics and I’m not about to start discussing them on the blogsphere.

39. Who did you miss?
My family, after living with them for nearly 26 years.

40. Who was the best new person you met?
The guy who started working in our department this summer. Quick learner, great sense of humor and has helped out a lot during stressful times at work.

41. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Don’t over-think everything, trust God and let go.

42. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You can see the roads that we all traveled just to get here/A million minuscule decisions in a line/Why they brought us to this moment isn’t clear/But that’s all right, we’ve got all night

Could it be that the many roads/You took to get here/Were just for me to tell this story/And for you to hear this song/And your many hopes/And your many fears/Were meant to bring you here all along… [Andrew Peterson: Many Roads]

I’m not at all sure what to do, aside from keep their families in my prayers and continue supporting my husband in what he does.

I am a fire-wife. I feel weird writing that because even though I am his wife, I don’t feel the need to take on everything my husband does as my identity. I’m my own person and the fire-bug has never bit me and probably never will.

At the same time, being married to him has required adjustments. Adjustments of my expectations, my love of planning (I can make plans, but it doesn’t mean we’ll always get to do things as planned!) and our general life-style. I know that 3-4 weeknights of the month are taken up by department training and other nights by shifts he picks up on the side. Dinner will be interrupted sometimes. Sometimes I go to bed alone because he’s gone on calls and get up in the morning alone because he’s gone on another sometime in the wee smaes.

Sometimes I’m alone at family functions, either because he never made it there or did, but ran out the door with the sound of the tones. Sometimes we take separate cars because of this and sometimes we don’t and I get stranded momentarily or get dropped off home by a family member. I’ve gone with him direct to calls and I’ve had wild rides with lights flashing to the station as the tones go off while we’re out and about together.

I try to be supportive. Sometimes it’s easy (plenty of things to do, lots to distract and keep me occupied), sometimes it’s hard., being okay with him leaving at the drop of the hat, or, to be more exact, sound of the tones. Sometimes he leaves at what feels like the worst possible moment – and sometimes it honestly doesn’t bother me too much. I know that it will be a million times harder when kids come into the picture, but I try not to think about that one yet.

Sometimes I worry.

Sometimes I don’t.

But lately? I do.

As I write this post, he’s gone, helping cover a nearby station while that station is assisting at a structure fire. And I feel something in between relieved and half-guilty for it because he’s probably sitting in a station right now, chillaxing with his ‘second family.’ And I’m kinda glad of it tonight, but at the same time, I wonder if there are other wives out there, waiting at home, thinking posts like this one. And I feel silly, stupid and melodramtic for worrying, for feeling relieved and well, for writing this post.

It’s been just a couple hours and I’m going to bed alone, for the second night this week. I’m lying in bed and waiting to hear the engine go by, headed home, even though I know it won’t be for awhile yet. And I’m praying, please, please keep them all safe, let no one be hurt and don’t add any more pain to December. Let all be well, let everyone be okay.