This week was challenging. I’ve been putting in 10-12 hour days at work, due to major snaffoos with the system upgrade. Add allergies (yay, spring, but ugh, pollen!) and family stress to the mix…
It’s been a long, hard week.
You think by my age, I’d be over the comparision game that I play in my head. You know, the one that makes me look at myself critically and says things like:
For pete’s sake, so-and-so can handle 12 hour days at work and isn’t too exhausted to get together with a friend! You should be able to handle it, wimp!
Why did you say that to someone at work? It just made you look stupid! Why do you even bother saying anything?
You’re too lazy and don’t push yourself. Look at your friends who are in college and work part-time. They can function with less than 6 hours of sleep.
You’re such an awful friend. So what if you’re busy? So what if you’re tired? You can’t make a little effort and write a quick letter? Call her?
Of course nobody wants to talk to you. Why would they? You live such a boring life. I mean, so-and-so writes an award-winning blog – she’s amazing and can never be boring. And there’s so-and-so who has a fantastic sense of humor; she always leaves people in stitches. What are you? An aspiring writer who has can’t seem to write anything worthwhile.
Sometimes I think I am my harshest critic. I would never ever say such things to a friend. I give just about everyone else in the world the benefit of the doubt; I cut other people slack. When will I learn to do the same for myself?
I’m not my friend who can juggle ten balls without seeming to falter.
I’m not my co-worker who always has a joke and a snarky sense of humor.
I’m not my mom who can run a house and home-school six children all at once.
I’m me. I have my strengths and my weakness, just like everyone else. My worth is not determined by the fact that I struggle to stay sane when I don’t get enough sleep. My worth is not determined by how I can only put in 10-12 hours at work before crashing, versus how many hours my co-worker can. My worth is not determined by how a Friday night finds me in bed at 8:00 PM instead of at a shabbat services with friends. My worth is not determined by falling for certain sin tendencies again – because God always forgives me when I come back to Him, no matter how much I am certain I don’t deserve it.
I am not worthless. I am not a wimp. I am a strong woman who is faithful to committments, who is willing to work beyond her required 8 hours at work. I am a woman who knows her limits and is learning to listen to her body when it says, “REST,” even if it means saying no to people and to things I want. I love, otherwise I wouldn’t care about the stress going on in my family right now. I have love, even if people would tell me otherwise.
I’m me. I’m not super-girl. I’m just Krista and that’s okay.