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Sometimes…

…I think about marrying the man who holds my heart and has the ability to make me laugh when I want to cry and the ability to make me cry because I’m the happiest, oh sometimes, I think about marrying him and I find myself totally, utterly, 100% positively freaking out…

…me – marry him? me – a wife? me – sharing a bed with him? [oh bliss! i think on dog-tired nights when I hug a cold pillow instead of a warm him]

…what if we fight all the time? what if I shut down emotionally and forget to let him in? what if he gets busy, busy, busy and I get busy, busy, busy and we lose time to reconnect? what if we forget to love?

…what if his family drives me crazy and I blame him? what if my family drives him crazy and he blames me? what if I’m a horrible cook? what if we suck at sex? what if he thinks I’m ugly naked? what if I lose my sex drive because of everything – stress, fear, hormones, busyness? what if we just don’t have time? what if we do have time, but get pregnant when we aren’t supposed to?

…what if I lose him? a fire. construction accident. a car that doesn’t stop for the MBA that he’s working and hits him. a meteor from the skies. [silly, silly paranoid me]

so. many. stinkin’.
what-ifs
.

But. What if:

– we fight, but make up. fail each other, but forgive. and cover everything with love.

– we share a bed and find it awkward for awhile, but would never ever ever go back to hugging cold pillows on dog-tired nights. learn how to please each other. learn that love sees beauty where we don’t and overlooks our blinding flaws. and become one in the most physical sense of the word.

– we cry and we laugh and we love.

– we get busy, busy, busy, but we get busy, busy, busy together. and we learn to make time.Ā  [maybe time that really isn’t so hard to make after all?]

– we jump in together and learn to live life together [not each alone, not two apart, but two together as one] as God means: without fear, without counting all the fearful what-ifs and waffling life decisions because of them, but rather we make decisions because of the concrete things [love. commitment. all that good stuff] and the promises of our story’s Writer.

What-if.

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